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Jessica

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Hiiiii [Oct. 13th, 2016|10:38 am]
Jessica
I'm back to this seemingly safe haven.
My perception of "safe", meaning "cozy" in this context, is quite loose these days.

Life as a grown-up is not easier as I hoped it would be.
It seems that for every resolved issue, another tadpole of a problem pops up.
Sometimes at the most inconvenient times, of course.

It's a journey, I'm fine with that.
But not what I might have expected in any way, shape or form.
It's a good thing I never had a precise plan of how things should work out, or I'd be thoroughly pissed right now.

Instead I'm just...sad. Not defeated. But sad, and uncomfortable, as are others around me as well.
The way we influence each other is a strange game.

Just my thoughts at the moment.
No shining, breakthrough rays of truth or hope for a better world for all, nothing like that.

I've had hope several times in the last years that I would pick up blogging again.
Blogging in the original sense of the word, as we used to know it as blog "pioneers".
Journaling, not broadcasting myself and/or some products in the process.

I know it's been therapeutic for me in the past, it would be great if it still could to some extent.
Cheaper than therapy, for sure lol
Tried that, too. It makes me angry that so many professionals can turn out to be highly unprofessional.
But that's a different topic altogether.

Any signals of life from this side of the internet is appreciate lol
I really miss my LJ days and the company that came with them.

So, if you're reading this, holler..! ;)
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Confused yet unapologetic comeback...or something [Feb. 23rd, 2016|01:39 pm]
Jessica
[Current Mood |aggravatedaggravated]

Il mio ego è forte, il problema sono le alleanze...

Let's talk about "control issues".
As Jon Mercer (www.easycalm.com) puts it, if you have panic or anxiety, you have control issues.
It means that you've been feeling out of control for too long and you have developed a low tolerance for being so out of control for so long.

Now back to me, what that means for me is that for too long I've been left alone to deal with problems in my life. It was always all on me. Of course that's my perception of it. That I was being held responsible for fixing my own problems without being given the tools to do it. If I felt bad, or had a problem, it was me. It was my fault. And what this means is that no one else took any part of responsibility for it. Now this might generally be ok, considering there are only adults in my life, myself included; if it wasn't for the fact that when those adults are you parents, things get trickier. It's even trickier because it resonates with a childhood loaded of insecurities, because my parents never seemed to be in control of anything, and I'm talking serious staff like finances and their marriage. Fundamental cores of stability that should be somewhat granted in order for a child to grow up a wholesome adult.

It left me with this sense that there is no leader. So I must either be the leader of my own self, or die. Curious enough, that's exactly how Cesar Millan talks about dogs when they don't have a strong leader. They become chronically agitated and hyper vigilant, leading to many "disordered" behaviors (in the eyes of their owners) which are merely rough attempts to try to restore a leadership -somebody has to do it! Or else, the pack won't survive.
But because the owner, much as the parent, is ultimately in control of the whole pack/family, these attempts are void and the chaotic life simply continues. Progressively getting worse, which is typical. In my case, I keep not having the tools and yet frantically try to live up to the (now unrealistic) expectations. The pressure is all from the inside. I put it there. Because I wanted those things and I thought one day I could achieve them. I thought I was going to be worth it. But reality denies most of that.

Spiral up, spiral down.
The two wolves enmeshed in a fight.

If it sounds like I'm blaming my parents for my problems, oh, it doesn't even stop here.
I still need to address the whole "shame" chapter, which I don't want to get into just now.
Let me just say that it truly isn't just my parents. It's almost (although with a few exceptions worth noting) every doctor or other kind of authority figure who was supposed to be in charge and supposed to take care of me, but instead just made me feel like a complete fool, and took my money for it.

It's just terribly depressing and frightening to stand into the eyes of the abyss and understand through intuition that the pit is filled with those gone awry. And I'm just mere inches above them. What's to stop me from falling down? Only if I can feel a pull up. I'm going to have to cling to that rope, if I want to save my life and turn it around. I'm just afraid it's too late, that I've lost that will and that there's something fundamentally un-fixable in me, so I simply deserve to be left to rot. The wounds run deep.

My ego is not broken or bruised. It's now poisoned and rotten.
The former might awaken sympathy for a tiny and delicate thing, even from myself.
The latter just fills me with the horror and disgust you reserve for a contagious disease.
It's like a flesh-mind-eating bug. It's shame.
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(no subject) [Jul. 23rd, 2009|05:08 pm]
Jessica
Yesterday I finally straightened out my schoolwork situation and that relieved me a bit. I certainly didn't need that stress topping the stress of moving out for the month of August. I'm going to stay at my boyfriend's while my parents are on vacation, which would be delightful, if only he didn't have to work and I didn't have to be on my own all day long in a beach town far away from mine :( I know I sound like a big baby, but that's because I am.

Dealing with anxiety is not easy and it hasn't been easy for the last year or so.
I can manage panic attacks most of the time, so they don't even bother showing up anymore (just like it happened some years ago), but I don't know if they could beat me to it, given the right conditions, like being home alone, with no one to call if something goes wrong (I can't really harass ambulance numbers or the neighbors, right?) and the closest person I know being 50 km by train away from me.
Unfortunately, the experience of almost choking when I was home alone right in that house (October 2008) doesn't make things any easier, and a good 50% of how I feel now is related to those circumstances.
There are still days where I don't feel comfortable being alone in my own house (although the dog makes me feel a bit safer, even if it's totally irrational: what help would the dog be if I really was choking?)
So I weighed the factors to assess how realistic it is that I can spend about a month on my own (mostly) and thought I really need to get back on the horse. I used to enjoy being by myself when I was younger, and I was looking forward to that the very day I almost choked.
But at least the schoolwork is taken care of. That does make me feel better. I can look forward to concentrating on my work, out in the peaceful environment that is his beach house, surrounded by vacationing neighbors all around (last year, at that same time, it was a nightmare to study during the day because of the noise! so not really a "lonely" place!), with a couple of shops right across the street and the ER at 3 minutes from there (not the hospital, though, you'd need to transfer by helicopter). Yes, I do feel insane for even revealing that is part of my reasoning. But the point is, what is there really to be so afraid of?
Another major factor in this was thinking about how can I imagine to be one day left to take care of a child, when I have trouble looking after just myself? That's one of the reasons I need to really try and overcome this. Although, I know that in that situation, some internal switch would automatically flick on and I'd be calm and in control, because that's what needs to be done. It's happened before, sort of.
So, I'll manage.

I just wish tonight I could sleep instead of dealing with panic attacks creeping up in the dark, at the thought of this upcoming "vacation". I'm not even sure I feel comfortable anymore being alone with him, totally on our own, after what happened in March that led me to return home in the middle of the night.
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I'm so Starstruck... which means being a truck that rides the stars.. right? [Jul. 21st, 2009|11:50 pm]
Jessica
All of a sudden, it sounded like a wonderful idea to come post on LJ.
About what now? Haha. I don't even know.
I'm so full of nothing and everything. But mostly nothing, ya know.
I have new white and silver sneakers with black polka dots and that's about the hottest thing right now. I also have a new Lady GaGa bow hairband, but that's a secret. And a new LoveGame to play in the bedroom.
God bless Ebay and my over-worked debit card.

I'm just having a blah-blah yah-yah moment and...loving it?

I don't know why that hamburger+salad made me this giddy, but I'll take it!
Hold it...mystery unveiled: it must be because of Worcestershire sauce or however that BBQ-liquid is called! (no, not the one to fuel the fire with). I'd never had it before. I probably need more now.

Life goes on, and I try to keep the pace!
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Oggi ho incontrato [Jul. 3rd, 2009|02:33 pm]
Jessica
Una donna ingenua sulla trentina, con i capelli rasati, che indossa parrucche colorate nell'intimità; una donna piu' giovane e incinta, con una faccia d'angelo, smagliature inviadibili e un caschetto biondo.

Ieri ho incontrato uno schermo galleggiante sul fiume Piovego, con la sponda arredata a spalto.
Francesco e la sua inestimabile focaccia del Portello.

Ieri notte ho incontrato la passione, l'entusiasmo che mi ha accolto al risveglio and everything in between che indossa improbabili gioielli giroscopici.

Un po' di questo e un po' di quello.
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Therapeutic, not therapeutic... [Jun. 27th, 2009|06:57 pm]
Jessica
..I don't know, sometimes I just feel the need.
I'm not brave enough anymore to stare into the mirror to do it, so maybe looking at my reflection through words on a page will do the trick. What trick?

I'm unhappy. About pretty much everything.
There's little way to fix it, at least for the time being.
I just don't know how to cope until I get there, and even then, when I have to turn around, and face the same dark place I'm seeing now.
Even dreams and hopes get so disappointing, it doesn't help anymore to set a goal and then strive for it. The passion is taken, it's sold or stolen, I'm not sure which.

Disaster without a name is a silent death you're not even allowed to mourn, or make your cry be heard.

This is what depression tastes like. Even anxiety and her fights are tired of hanging around with me. The brain damage is done.
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Here comes the... [Nov. 3rd, 2008|08:07 pm]
Jessica
C'ho sonno. Sono un po' sderenata. E' un po' che voglio scrivere ma le parole non vengono, oppure vengono e poi si mischiano, principia l'insoddisfazione e abbandono tutto sul nascere.
Mi voglio piu' casual, so che devo un po' riprendere lo stile, la mano, lo spirito blogghistico.

Ho fatto un viaggio nel passato come mia personale celebrazione di Halloween, rivisitando i momenti degli anni precedenti nel mio primo LJ (bouton_noir).
Mi sono guardata, mi sono sorrisa, mi sono fatta tenerezza per com'ero, mi sono strappata qualche risatina. Quanta forza che c'era, anche quando me ne sentivo priva.

Durante l'ultimo pellegrinaggio verso l'ennesimo ospedale, stavolta nascosto alla fine di una campagna laziale (parente della campagna toscana), nell'orizzonte indeciso tra notte e giorno ho colto lo spiraglio di resurrezione. Mi sono ritrovata. Mi sono parlata. Mi sono ripresa.
Ho avuto davanti lo scrigno segreto con tutte le soluzioni già sperimentate.

E ora sto meglio, è innegabile. Ho sempre avuto difficoltà con l'equilibrio, per cui faccio un po' a turni, ma se prima c'era il sole, ora c'è il buio, perché questo è il suo momento. E' il mio ospite e lo difendo. Mi ha portato dei regali, e non voglio essere maleducata.

Parlando seriamente, perché da adulti riesce meglio, sono in terapia con beta-bloccanti da una settimana, è un farmaco che mi tiene a bada il cuore. Devo prenderlo finché non finisco tutti gli accertamenti, che potrebbe essere anche tra qualche mese. Ho proposto al medico di prendere intanto un appuntamento con lo psichiatra piu' noto a Firenze per gli attacchi di panico, ma ha detto che adesso assolutamente no, perché prima dobbiamo cercare una causa organica. Mi ha fatto piacere che per una volta non mi sbattessero in faccia il solito "sei troppo giovane per avere un problema, sarà ansia".
Il beta-bloccante funziona (il Lexotan no), quindi per il momento sto bene.

Adesso mi addormento dentro l'autunno e andrà tutto bene :)
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Can't believe I spent half an hour typing this [Oct. 28th, 2008|10:51 pm]
Jessica
Comincio a pensare che io da "piccola" non mi sono drogata abbastanza.
Cioè, il problema magari è proprio che non mi sono drogata per niente.

Ieri sera siamo stati a Roma, abbiamo dormito a casa di Ale per essere stamattina al funerale del nonno del suo migliore amico. Oggi un po' dappertutto piove e sento tanti lamentarsi di soffrire il maltempo.

Da noi qua al mare ci sono lampi che irradiano il cielo intero, perché in mezzo non c'è niente.
Ecco, ho tirato uno su venti respiri che riescono, in mezzo alla marea che mi fa iperventilare.
I beta-bloccanti che sto prendendo (dopo l'ennesima visita al pronto soccorso, stavolta Policlinico Gemelli) stanno facendo effetto contro la tachicardia e di conseguenza si sono portati via anche tanta parte di ansia. Il problema è che di notte ho dei risvegli allucinati, con sensazione di tachicardia e compagnia bella. Pero' abbiamo letto che i disturbi del sonno e gli incubi sono tra gli effetti collaterali, quindi Ale è un po' meno arrabbiato con me per il fatto che lo sveglio in pieno terrore già da un paio di notti.

Giovedi ho i risultati delle analisi. Tanti sintomi, tanti pareri che puntano in quella direzione, ma sono preparata alla disillusione e ho già disposto l'animo alle tappe diagnostiche successive. Certo che se fossero positivi andrei fino al Centro Endocrinologico del Policlinico pure facendomi tutta l'Aurelia a saltelli dalla gioia.

Quanto si deve star male per desiderare con questa intensità una malattia (piuttosto che un'altra) ? Ho i nervi a pezzi. Sono stanca.

To sum it up: I've never been worse in my life. The last trip to the ER (this time I was sent to a different one for more tests) won me to be put on beta-blockers to keep my heart beat/blood pressure down. They do work, but I suspect that's what is giving me nightmares and making me wake up in the middle of the night feeling like I'm running for my life. I'm waiting for my thyroid results on Thursday. I seriously can't wait, but I'm also preparing the next steps in case things take a different directions (which would be a huge disappointment, and how sick must one be to feverishly desire to have one illness -instead of another- ?).

This morning we were in Rome to attend the funeral of my boyrfriend's best friend's granpa. It's raining everywhere in Italy and many people are complaining of feeling under the weather. But here at the beach there are bright blue thunders lightening up the whole sky, so we can't complain.

We're doing on such little sleep these days. We really need to rest. I wish we could cuddle in bed, but he'd rather cling on to World of Warcraft - and that was even when I didn't feel like crap like now. So I'm basically confined on a chair in a two-room house. He's been understanding, but he does have these bursts of impatience, like I'm making stuff up or complaining that I wake him up or have been worrying him and made him run all the trips to the ER. Hey, I guess I'm under the weather too, now. I really would like a good pat on the head right now. I'm not mommy's girl but even if I were, my parents are 250km away now. And I want to cry. And I've been wanting to cry for the past 15 days but felt like I absolutely couldn't let myself or my heart rate would skyrocket. Even now, the breathing gets worse just to think about it.
And blah blah blah. Emo time over.
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Update [Oct. 26th, 2008|01:45 am]
Jessica
This costant difficulty breathing is getting so ridiculous I can't eat withouth fear of choking.

It actually almost happened about a couple of weeks ago, when I was home alone and having the slightest panic attack (the first that showed up without a physical triggering factor). I decided to munch on a chocolate-y bar to feel better (chocolate = serotonine) and my spasming diaphragm got the best of the swallowing act, causing a bit of bar to get stuck in my throat. That was one of the scariest moments of my life.
My rational thoughts stopped, I started pacing around the room and realized I couldn't breathe so I just raced out in our yard, dreading the fact that the gate cannot be open from outside, only from inside the house, so I couldn't exactly burst out on the street and look for help. Luckily, as I was dashing out, whatever was stuck down my throat found the right way and I was safe.

And today I read that this disease they think I have can actually cause trouble with swallowing and ingesting food. Good to know, at least there's a good chance this is not "all in my head".

Today I also had another heavy attack (triggered by handling and smelling coffee that I was making for Alessandro, hell go figure) and had to take drops once again to make it stop, in hopes that it would allow my breathing to even out, cause otherwise there was no chance I was going to eat or even drink all day.

I had my blood drawn today, I get my results on the 30th. Now it's just a matter to manage to make it to that date. I'm trying to eat cereal as I type, but no dice.
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Ho bisogno di tanti pensierini positivi... [Oct. 24th, 2008|06:16 pm]
Jessica
ItalianoCollapse )

EnglishCollapse )
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